Gifts for non-handy people

It's easy to buy gifts for people that are handy because they already have low expectations in most situations. Their unique philosophical position comes from any experience of plumbing and most attempts at installing a curtain rod. Their optimism has been tempered by disaster and they've developed a wry knack for knowing when to call the ambulance. They understand that things usually don't go as well as they'd hoped, and that applies to your gift.

Thinking Inside the Box

Buying presents for the non-handy person is trickier, because that person has hope. And it won't be dashed, even when they get the wrapping off. They'll see the picture of the router on the outside of the box and they'll still think there's lingerie inside. While you might think that this is THEIR problem, experience reveals that it's definitely YOUR problem, because when the punishment comes, you're going to be in the room.

So here's some advice: under-promise, and over-spend.

For weeks before Christmas, wear a troubled expression through most meals. When someone asks what's bothering you, say "Oh, I went to the beer store to get you a Christmas present but they're all out of Coors toques."

But secretly, spend more than the price of a toque (even the high-end Coors model), and get them something unique, handmade, and if possible, on sale.

Here are two emergency suggestions:

Rock On

Everyone likes an antique, but how many people own a candleholder from the Paleozoic era, when invertebrates dominated the world and God hadn't even thought of dinosaurs yet, let alone humans?

Nature's Artifacts is a Canadian company that imports hand-hewn rock-salt lamps and candleholders from the foothills of the Himalayas. The salmon-coloured salt lanterns cast a gorgeous glow and emit negative ions that have been in storage for 250,000,000 years. If that doesn't freshen up your giftee's mental perspective, what will?

Tremendous pressure and heat over the millennia have refined the structure of the Himalayan salt crystals, making them translucent and full of fascinating marbled lines. In comparison with European salt lamps, which are rather dull and opaque, these babies are stunning. The crystal is hand-mined and shaped by artisans who are well paid for their work.

Nature's Artifacts salt lamps are priced at $10 for a 2-pound tea-light candleholder, $15 for a hand-turned globe-shaped model, or $25 - $35 for an electric, natural-shaped version. They're shipped to you via Purolator and include a cork pad to prevent heat damage or scratches to furniture.

Some Like It Hat

Every Canadian needs a hat. Not just a good John Deere baseball cap, but a special occasion, I'm-going-to-the-mall-and-don't-try-to-stop-me hat. Some of the very best handmade hats in the world are being turned out by the talented seamstresses and seamsters at Lillie & Cohoe. Whoever designs these hats is apparently incapable of creating an unflattering hat. Headgear just doesn't get any better than this. Retail prices start at $45. Flattering comments start immediately. My favourites - the fleece Chelsea or Tikka have ear-flaps for extreme weather situations and keep the head as warm as a fresh doughnut.

Ifs Ands and Butts

Some non-handy people will never appreciate a handmade gift because they, being un-handy, cannot comprehend the quality, care and attention that went into their gift (especially if YOU made it). So in some cases it pays to skip the handmade approach and go with something mass-produced, yet well-engineered. Something that says, "I love you, but your butt is like a young cheese".

Almost any Canadian can benefit from indoor winter exercise on an elliptical cross-trainer, which simulates the motions of cross-country skiing but without the frozen nasal slime or the hypothermia. I've tested 'em all and finally found the perfect cross-trainer. The EVO Xcite elliptical trainer by Smooth Fitness has whisper-quiet operation, an adjustable stride so people of different heights can share it, a heart rate monitor (activated by gripping the handles), an onboard computer with 8 pre-set programs (i.e. fat-burning, strength, interval training and my personal favourite - random, so you never know what's coming next, just like life). The warranty is one of the best in the business - lifetime on frame and brakes, 3 years on parts, and one year on labour.

The Xcite trainer is a heavy-duty semi-commercial unit that'll keep delivering a daily fitness ride until you move to a warmer climate. Available at selected Canadian fitness outlets including MuscleMag. Retails for about $2500, plus delivery and setup fee (well worth it - the thing has 978 parts which, even if you're handy, will strain your optimism).