Teen power

When you watch TV or look through magazines, it's amazing to me how many of the ads target teenagers. Or, at least it was amazing, until I found out that teens spend $154 billion a year. Teenagers are a dream come true for any advertiser. They have money in their pocket and almost nothing important to spend it on. Most of them have food and shelter and access to the family phone, so all of the basic needs are covered. And, they haven't been jaded by 30 years of buying things that bent, broke, blew up or shut down.

Now, OK, maybe teenagers don't make a lot of money per capita, but whatever income they have is disposable. So, they have no problem spending it on tattoos or body piercing rather than on heat and groceries. But, before you parents go off on a huge rant about how the advertisers are taking unfair advantage of our naive offspring, let's step back for a minute and realize where most of that $154 billion comes from -- allowances from you. I know you didn't mean for it to go this way. Giving your kids an allowance is you investing in the future. Well, I have seen the future, and it has a safety pin through one eyelid and wears its pants around its knees. I should probably criticize the teen spending patterns more often, but I was up in the attic the other day and came across my Capricorn medallion and platform disco boots.

Bank on it

You can learn a lot about relationships by looking at your bank statement. Whenever you do something thoughtful or sensitive, that's a credit. When you do something boneheaded, that's a debit. When it gets to the point where your debits are greater than your credits, you now have a debt. This debt will draw a great deal of interest -- especially from your wife. If you apologize sincerely at the time of the debit, the amount can be forgiven. If you don't apologize or don't apologize properly, the interest will compound until such time as the account goes dormant, and then it will eventually be closed. So, I suggest you get your accounts in order long before it gets that far. Try to do it during banking hours. Expecting to get an appointment with the credit manager after bedtime is asking for foreclosure.

Last call

The concept of "last call" is a good one. It lets you know that the end is near, and if there's anything else you wanted to order, you should do it now. Here are some other times in life when "last call" would be appreciated:

• On your car's gas gauge.
• When the truck driver you insulted is making a fist.
• When your employer is evaluating your performance.
• When your wife is evaluating your performance.
• When the grim reaper is in your waiting room.

Pressing issues

My wife has an irritating habit. Ordinarily I'd be hesitant to say anything, but I've hidden her glasses, so she'll never read this. These days, she wears glasses for the odd time when she wants to actually see something. She even has bifocals, which as far as I can tell, are the optician's way of turning a flight of stairs into an adventure. When she doesn't have her glasses handy, that still will not deter her. She will pick up a cell phone, a TV remote or step up to a microwave oven and, even though she can't make out any of the words or numbers, she'll just start pressing buttons randomly until something happens. That's why there are bits of pork chop welded to the inside walls of the microwave, and why my cell phone plays God Save the Queen every time I get a call, and why our TV has French subtitles on every program. I don't get mad. I just smile and quietly give thanks that she doesn't work at NASA.

Quote of the day

"A dog is man's best friend, because it never smiles at the wrong time." -- Red Green