The defense rests

Whenever you see a married couple telling a story to a third party, there is a drastic shift in the relationship and dynamic between them. The person who's telling the story, in most cases the wife, becomes the Prosecutor, while the person who the story's about, in all cases the husband, becomes the Defense Attorney. The third party, who is usually a friend or neighbor, becomes judge and jury. Unlike formal court procedures, these trials have very few rules. There is no prerequisite to present evidence or provide witnesses or most importantly, to tell the truth. The two quasi-lawyers start with the summations and then just interrupt each other at will, imploring the judge to see it their way. The judge on the other hand has no hard evidence to make a decision and ultimately sides with the person they like, which puts the friendship in jeopardy. So I suggest that if you and your wife have a story to tell, never tell it together. Let her tell it her way to her friends, and you tell it your way to yours. Neither one of you is telling the story the way it actually happened anyway, so the outcome is not relevant or important. And if you ever do get into a situation where you accidentally find yourselves telling a story simultaneously to the same person, ask for a recess, take your wife aside and settle out of court.

I'm king of the world

I know that in the early stages of child development, they go through a phase when they believe they are the center of the universe. As a parent, it is your job to alter that misconception by trying to convince them to be mindful of others, mainly to be mindful you. It happened to us. Through the experiences of growing up and having teachers and friends and bosses, we all became convinced that we are not the center of our universe. I think this is a mistake. This may be a good policy short term, but in the long run, like when you get to be my age, it's really important to be the focus of your own life. Otherwise, you run the risk of making a 27-year-old Hooters waitress the center of your universe and that will only lead to disappointment as you fall short in oh so many areas. But when you're the one who sets the standard for your universe, you're like a chapter from the Goldilocks story -- everyone different than you is either too young or too old or too big or too small, whereas you are just right. So be the center of your universe. Make all of your decisions based on how it affects you. Live everyday as if you are the Intergalactic Emperor. But don't tell anyone. Especially your wife.

Time capsule re-think

A long time ago some of us made time capsules, filled them with memorabilia and buried them in our back yards. Now that we've gained the perspective of time, you may not want to be remembered for what you put in there. Here are a few items you should remove before it's too late:

• Your pet rock;
• Your Slim Whitman 8-track;
• Your mood ring;
• Your lucky rabbit's foot;
• Your Nixon button.

Grandchildren should be seen

A lot of people my age have grandchildren. That has to be the best of all worlds. All the good parts of being a parent without any of the consequences. You play with the kid until he gets on your nerves, and then you take him home. You can give him a pony for his birthday and not have to worry about where he's going to keep it. Spoiling your grandchildren is the nicest way to get back at your kids.

Quote of the day

"There is always one more imbecile than you counted on." -- Red Green