Gifts for handy people

Oh, the desperation of gift-giving.

Christmas morning conversation always degrades into 3 possible responses:

1. I was pretty sure you needed that, but now that I see your face, I was clearly wrong.
2. What do you mean, cheap?
3. You should have married someone thoughtful.

I can help you with the overwrought emotions of gift giving. How? I've given bad gifts for 48 years. Let me put my experience to work for you.

How much will it cost? Only your pride. Simply announce, "Mag swore you'd like it," and grin wryly. You're technically off the hook, and if it goes well, you may even be rewarded with physical affection or better yet, fermented beverages.

Presents of Mind

The truth is, every gift falls into one of two categories. It's either for someone who is handy, or it's for someone who's not, and probably doesn't know it.

The best gift for a handy person is something that provides a surge of raw testosterone (yes, even girls get that; we're very versatile), combined with a low risk of death.

Here are a few suggestions. (Some of this stuff is even available via the internet, which saves you the trouble of co-mingling with other desperate gift-buyers. Grab a beer and let your finger do the clicking.)

1. Clamps - Low physical danger. Everyone needs more clamps. If the recipient says "Oh crap, not more clamps" they're bluffing because they've just realized that the gift they got you is lame. Available at all home centers and hardware stores. Check out the selection at Irwin.com. My favourite are QuickGrip One-Handed Bar Clamps, which convert instantly from clamp to spreader. Now that's versatility. (From about $20)
2. Knife - Most utility knives are pure cheese. The blades are flimsy and they're awkward to change. The latest utility knife on the market has an easy-change mechanism and blades that just won't bust. Made by Irwin - is that the same company that did those great TV ads in the Sixties for all the best childhood toys? I'm guessing it is. Because this knife totally smokes, just like the Irwin Little Hostess Tea Set I got for Christmas in 1963. (Knife and refills - about $10)
3. Construction Master Calculator - Honestly, I don't know of a sexier gift, besides silk. The Construction Master converts feet to meters, calculates rises, runs and tread dimensions for stairs, works with fractions (YOU try subtracting 7 5/16 from 11 3/4). Oh baby. Whether your handy person needs to calculate board feet, roofing materials, cubic yards or rafter angles, the Construction Master is the secret to avoiding hundreds of dimension-related tantrums. Belt-mountable for ease of gloating, this is the absolute guarantee that you're going to be spending Christmas night in somebody's arms. Construction Master calculators are available at selected Canadian Tire, Home Hardware, Radio Shack and Sears stores, or online from Calculated Industries. (from about $100)
4. The Devine Colour Designer Portfolio and Palette Book - If your handy person has aspirations of being a decorator, it's never to late to lock them in the garage. On the other hand, there's hope, even for inveterate losers in the paint wars. Give your wannabe designer the Devine touch with two miraculous tools that make anyone into a colour whiz. Devine paint is the best I've found - virtually splatter-proof, so even a bohemian can apply paint in a way that looks quasi-professional, and it covers a range of 115 glorious, saturated colours. The design palettes and portfolios allow a person to complement any decorating style, including Early Student, Fractured Adolescent, or even Troubled Adult. Available at boutique paint shops across Canada, or order online directly from Devine Color. (Design Palette - about $45, Design Portfolio - about $300)
5. If none of the above gifts grab you, something at Duluth Trading will. They proudly sell long-tailed t-shirts to end plumber butt forever, indestructible pants made from fire-hose cloth for the handy person who destroys jeans, belt-mounted holsters for every imaginable tool, and even a Ladder Saddle that turns the top of a ladder into a tool storage center so there are fewer trips down the ladder, and way less swearing.

If you need gifts for people who aren't handy, but won't take it well if you say so, then please check back with me next week.