Installing an additional backyard spigot

It's the shank of summer. We all know the signs. Late evenings, sultry air, tank tops. Romance beckoning from behind every beer bottle. A time to feel good about having enough money in the car ashtray to buy a six-pack. Speaking of beer, ever wonder where the word "hoser" comes from? I found definitions in four online dictionaries.

1. Canadian Slang - A clumsy, boorish person, especially an uncouth, beer-drinking man.
2. An offensive term for a person who is considered to be unintelligent and vulgar, especially a man whose main interests are hockey and drinking beer.
3. Canadian Slang - a man, esp. one who works at a job that uses physical rather than mental skills and whose habits are slightly offensive but amusing.
4. Canadian; racial slur - From western-Canadian practice of stealing gas with a siphon, ending up with a mouthful of gasoline. Suggests low intelligence.

(SUGGESTS low intelligence but doesn't prove it. I mean, it's one thing to get your mouth full of gasoline in a siphoning incident. But it's a whole other thing to swallow it. And then light your farts. And then get blind drunk and drive your snowmobile into a tree.)

The Hose Knows

While I was pursuing the etymology of "hoser", I ran across an Internet dictionary of ethnic slang. I was proud to discover four entries for ways in which Americans refer to Canadians (well, five; one of them was "hoser").

1. Cheeser: Used primarily in northern Washington State, refers to Canadians who cross the border to shop for big blocks of inexpensive American Cheese.
2. Frostback: A Canadian working illegally in the U.S. (a play on "wetback", altered to fit Canadians)
3. Eh-hole: A Canadian who says 'eh' a lot
4. 51st Stater: Self-explanatory

But what the Americans are missing is that we hosers know a thing or two about subtlety. Particularly in the area of hoses. So if you ever run into an American who is trying to buy a hose, be sure to flaunt the following Canadian hose ephemera.

1. Hoses are available in five sizes (3/8", 1/2", 5/8", 3/4", 1").
2. The larger your garden, the bigger the hose you need to carry sufficient water flow. Smaller sized hoses (3/8" or 1/2") are great for container gardens on decks or balconies, but too small for watering lawns and vegetable gardens efficiently. Hoses with diameters of 3/4" or 1" are commonly used for large acreages, farms and commercial applications. The best size for most homeowners is 5/8".
3. Hose fittings are not standardized. Look closely at the couplings to determine hose quality. Round couplings are cheap and flimsy and you'll know that if you've ever stepped on one. The highest quality couplings are octagonal and made of brass. They don't corrode, their threads last forever and they won't get squished when you drive over them.
4. Hoses made from multi-layer vinyl tubing outperform rubber or plastic hoses under Canadian conditions; they're reasonably lightweight and they don't kink, crack or split. Plus they're flexible enough to manipulate easily.

Hose Job

If you need an extra hose bib in your backyard, forget going to the trouble of digging a deep trench and installing traditional plumbing pipe below the frost line.

You just need a length of specialized hose that can be left buried through the freeze-and-thaw cycles of winter because it's constructed with an internal foam layer that compresses when the water in the hose freezes and expands.

Using 'lifetime' hose (available at Lee Valley Tools - $64 for 100 feet of 5/8" hose or $33 for 50 feet), you can run an extra underground water line anywhere you need one.

• Measure your distances so you know exactly how much hose you need to reach your destination. Try to avoid cutting lifetime hose into shorter lengths and capping off the cut ends with replacement couplings; it's really hard to find good replacement couplings, plus they tend to reduce the pressure your hose can carry.
• Start at one end and use a flat spade to slice about four inches into the sod. Wiggle the blade back and forth to create a channel along the bottom of the trench. Make another slice beside the first one, pressing the lifetime hose into the channel as you move along.
• At the far end, connect the hose to a faucet mounted on a stake driven into the ground, or buy a 20" portable faucet extension (available at Lee Valley - $30).

One final thing. Lifetime hose is made in the U.S. but don't tell the Americans, because then they'll want to be called 'hosers' and that would cut into our Canadian identity.