Advice to the Childless: Easter eggs for adults

I'm extremely behind on phone calls and e-mails. In some cases, years behind. This has become so awkward that it occurred to me today that I could start telling people I lost their number in a house fire.

But life has taught me that telling people I've lost everything in a fire will actually cause me to have a fire in which I probably will lose everything. This is because a guilty conscience is a powerful tool of fate, conspiring with reality to make any lie good.

For example, I was once weaving through Toronto traffic on my moped on the way to a rehearsal. I knew I was going to be late, so I planned my excuse: "Sorry I'm late. I had a little accident on my moped," I would say, limping for effect. My theatrical colleagues would be shocked and concerned, I reasoned, and couldn't possibly blame me for being detained by my macho transportation.

Equipped with my excellent excuse I motored on, the pingy whine of the Peugeot motor cutting the city air like a dirty scalpel. And then a half-block from the theatre, I hit a patch of gravel. My moped went down like it was stealing 3rd base and skidded due east in a shower of sparks while I slid southbound to the stage door on my sorry butt.

On the bright side, I didn't have to act like I'd had a moped mishap, so my excuse went over with admirable effect. How could they doubt me when the seat of my pants had been sanded off by asphalt?

But my point is, I'm frequently late or waylaid and the same goes for my children, who are frankly absent because I forgot to have them.

One of the downsides of being childless is of course that Easter is dull without a happy brood for whom to plan an Easter egg hunt. So I simply invite neighbours' children over for an elaborate egg hunt and then send them back to their parents hopped up on chocolate and squealing in a vocal range that attracts bats.

Sadly I'm on my own this year because all the neighbours have taken their children camping. At least that's what they told me.

So this time I'm decorating Easter eggs with three phantom children I've named Randolph, Alphonse and Brigitta. Here are some of our discoveries:

1. An egg left to soak in vinegar overnight goes totally rubbery, which is great for freaking out Alphonse's relatives.
2. If you prefer to decorate hollow eggs rather than hard-boiled eggs, drill a hole in each end of the egg using a drill bit rather than a needle. A drill bit punctures the yolk better.
3. If you're on the verge of rupturing organs while trying to blow fluid out of an egg, try using a vacuum cleaner set on 'blow'.
4. A thick ring of tacky blue mounting putty will hold an egg on the end of your drill so you can spin it and paint it in one easy step. (Keep the revs low or the egg may launch.)
5. Transfer temporary tattoos onto an egg (that's how we did our peace symbol).
6. Attempting to use a wood-burning tool on an egg fills the entire house with an odour similar to burning teeth.
7. Give your eggs a tie-dyed look by wetting a cloth or tissue, wrapping it around the egg and squeezing drops of food colouring onto the cloth. Wait till it's mostly dry, then unwrap the Grateful Dead masterpiece.
8. For a speckled appearance, sprinkle salt on a dyed egg as it dries.
9. Use white crayon to make designs on an egg. Soak the egg in a half cup of water mixed with a teaspoon of vinegar and several drops of food colouring. Leave 10 minutes and withdraw the egg. The waxy white crayon acts as a 'resist', so your white design leaps to the fore against the new background colour.
10. Write secret messages on blown-out eggs using a calligraphy pen nib dipped in lemon juice. When the recipient holds the egg (with tongs) over a candle, the lemon juice burns deep brown, revealing your message.
11. If anyone knows how to get food colouring off skin, please call me, collect.