The end of cute

I was zapping by one of those nature shows the other day, and they were showing a bunch of baby animals. Bears and cougars and giraffes. That kind of thing. And they are cute. You have to admit it. Even baby snakes have a certain charm. And the same thing with human babies. They tend to be cute. Especially to their parents. Even young people can be cute. The girls tell me those boy bands are all cute. Even guys in their 20s are sometimes called cute. But once you get to my age, when you've got all the numbers moving on the odometer, you lose a lot of your cuteness.

There's nothing cute about a middle-aged guy, and that hurts us. Cute allows you to have the benefit of the doubt. Middle-aged guys need the benefit of the doubt. OK, sure, some guys try to cover by being dignified and sophisticated, but that's no fun. Cute is where it's at, and we are definitely not there. Please just accept it. You can't make up for not looking cute by acting cute. You may think you're an entertaining person when you're wearing that kilt, but trust me, they're not laughing with you.

What are you made of

As everyone gets more and more health conscious, we start to pay a great deal of attention to the list of ingredients they have on the labels of prepared foods. They not only tell you what's in the food, but also the proportions of each ingredient. So whatever they list first is the dominant element. I was thinking this would be a great policy to extend to people you meet. Their qualities should be listed on their forehead in descending order of prominence. "Kindness," "honesty" and "intelligence" would make a nice cluster somewhere near the top of the list. Whereas if the first two are "violence" and "intolerance," that's another way of saying "If you can read this, you're standing too close."

Marital shorthand

After you've been married for a while you develop a way of communicating that does not require language. All it takes is a look or even a subtle change in body language, and your partner knows immediately what's being communicated. For the inexperienced, here are some examples of marital shorthand:

• If your wife looks at you, you've done something wrong.
• If your wife smiles at you, she's done something wrong.
• If your wife raises an eyebrow, reverse your position immediately.
• If your wife raises a glass, cancel your evening appointments.
• If your wife raises a firearm, get creative.

Perpetual motion machine

Scientists have struggled with the concept of a perpetual motion machine for centuries. Something that will continue to operate without the infusion of more energy. The problem is always friction. Whenever you have friction, you somehow lose energy, which prevents you from getting back to where you started. Scientists find this very frustrating, but then scientists generally find life pretty frustrating. That's why they try to quantify it by reducing it to a mathematical or chemical formula. The reason they haven't been able to create a perpetual motion machine is because they refuse to allow a biological or spiritual component to be part of the mix. The universe has survived forever without the addition of energy. It must be a perpetual motion machine. And how about all of the living species that have survived for millions of years in a closed system? Maybe the problem is the perpetual motion machine is not a machine at all. It's a living thing. Maybe even human beings, through heredity, are the ultimate perpetual motion machine. Except for my grandfather. A machine would never ask anyone to pull its finger. And whatever energy zone he was in, it was definitely not perpetual motion.

Quote of the day

"Ironman triathlons are for people who can't experience childbirth." -- Red Green