Time is relative

Last week, I was at a 25th wedding anniversary for an average normal couple, if there is such a thing. He's a schoolteacher, she's a sales clerk. These are two careers where you don't take business trips. That means that at the end of every day, you both go home. You have to respect that. This is a marriage with no time off. Compare that to the scenario where the man and the woman are both senior executives in a large corporation. They travel all the time. In 25 years of marriage, they're really only together about four years. We need to differentiate between these types of marriages. It's not how many years you're married, it's how many days and, more importantly nights, you've spent together. Now obviously we don't want to discount the accomplishment of a 25-year marriage, regardless of the reduced years of active service, but I think you have the right to calibrate your gift based on the degree of difficulty. The traveling business couple should get flowers and a card, the stay-at-home working couple deserves something better. I suggest a gift of separate holidays for each of them or a large bottle of an expensive beverage with a significant alcohol content.

The big 'W'

I've noticed that my wife and I have different ways of answering questions. If she asks me where something is or what I'm planning to do today or if the mall is open, I answer by telling her where I think the thing is, or that I have nothing planned for today, or that I have no mall knowledge. But when I ask my wife anything, and I mean anything, she always gives me the same answer -- "Why?" "Do you know where the hammer is?" "Why?" "What are you planning to do today?" "Why?" "Is the mall open?" "Why?" This is because women are pre-occupied with the motive behind every thought and action. Men don't care. Men like to know what's going on, and where it's going on, and when it's going on. The whole area of why it's going on eventually leads to having to justify our choices and that's usually impossible.

Talking shop

In order to regain credibility and acceptance in the areas of social conversation, I'm asking all middle-aged men to avoid the following topics:

• Your colonoscopy;
• Anything to do with Viagra, especially the results;
• The high price of Advil;
• How young your boss is;
• How great you once were;
• Other people your age who are already dead.

Cleaning up

I went to one of those car clean-up places recently to get the inside of my car cleaned out. They did a nice job, vacuumed the carpeting, emptied the ashtray, cleaned the dashboard and then handed me the bill for $175. This required an adjustment in my thinking. We get our entire home cleaned for $90. They wash the floors and vacuum the rugs and clean the counters. All for $90. Now we don't have a huge home, but it is still quite a bit larger than our car. So I'm having trouble reconciling the difference in prices. Maybe it's because one is called "cleaning" while the other is called "detailing." I don't know. I'm just mentioning it. I'm not going to make it an issue. My sense is that if this information is brought forward, the cost of having the car done will stay the same while the cost of having the house done will quadruple. In fact, pretend I never mentioned it.

Quote of the day

"I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." -- Red Green