How to cover alkyd with latex paint

I remember Grade 10 health class like it was yesterday. Most of us still hadn't been kissed or even winked at. Our entire lexicon of intimacy was having our bra straps snapped by other girls. We weren't sure what "petting" was but it sounded scary. We listened gravely as Miss Carmichael sketched a diagram labeled "the slippery funnel of promiscuity", which demonstrated how (unlike job experience) romantic experience builds momentum until everybody wants you.

To avoid the promiscuity funnel, we had to remember that saying "yes" to anyone but the groom was a bad idea. But there are more ways to say yes than no, as I learned after fighting the funnel for a subsequent 20 years before the groom came along. Is it any wonder I got married 3 weeks after our first date? I'd had it with that funnel.

Paint Misbehavin'

But danger still lurked for my new groom and me. Sneakily buried on the other side of the matrimonial checkpoint was the slippery funnel of home decorating.

Every time you say yes to a renovating project, you're going to get in deeper than you expected, even though you should know your limitations after a misspent youth.

Our guest room is a fine example of the decorating funnel. It was a simple matter of removing the textured ceiling, and then applying a fresh coat of paint. Three weeks later, we've re-sculpted the entire ceiling with hundreds of pounds of drywall mud. We've added crown moulding in places where God never intended it to go, and I'm scraping paint off the window trim with dental tools because the trim looks like hell compared to the ceiling so now it needs a new paint job.

We are caught in the sucking vortex of the following horrible phrase: "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right." Whoever coined that maxim deserves to be dead and I'm pretty sure they are because if they weren't, someone would've killed them by now.

"It's worth doing right" is a very old-fashioned notion that has nothing to do with modern life where we can buy plastic Christmas trees already pre-lit. Now that's doing it right.

Paint-ful Advice

Depending on the age of your home, more than one amateur of limited dexterity (possibly you) has attempted to be the CanadArm with a paintbrush. A good way to identify the calibre of the job is to check for the following foreign objects caught in the paint:

1. Sawdust and blops of drywall mud; these are typical in jobs where an underwhelming paint contractor slapped on a couple of coats and called it good. The finish may appear lumpy, but if you've got reasonable denial skills, you can paint over it and call it good just like the guy before you.
2. Hair, dust and food stains; the painter was dreaming of a better life in a developing country, or drunk, or painting with his paint brush strapped to his leg out of pure boredom. You will need to scrape and/or sand in order to achieve a smooth finish.
3. Mildew, mould, dead insects, cigarette butts, candle wax (I'm not exaggerating); this is the kind of job that requires sanding, scraping and dental tools to pick the crud out of cracks. It's way more effort than you were born for. But if you want to do it right, you'll never rest until the surface looks like it underwent dermabrasion.

Old interior paint may be alkyd. Contrary to popular opinion, you can actually cover old alkyd with latex paint, but first, be certain of what the old paint is. Here's how: Take a rag and soak it in methyl hydrate (gas line antifreeze) or non-acetone nail polish remover. Rub the paint vigorously with the moistened rag. If the paint starts to get sticky and break down, it's latex. If it doesn't do anything but look shiny and undisturbed, that's alkyd.

To cover alkyd with latex paint, sand it and use a scraper (or dental tools) to pry off bits of debris caught in the old paint. After sanding, wash the surface with mild detergent in water. Let it dry. Then prime it with stain-blocking shellac-based primer (wear a respirator or you'll keel over), or one of the new super-adherent water-based acrylic primers.

Finish up with a couple of coats of your favourite shade of latex. And then retire from decorating. Because now that this room is perky, the decorating funnel will suck you into doing all the other rooms in the house, just like that other funnel made you the most popular girl in Grade 11.