Hints for making your winter a little shorter

We're in the darkest days of winter now. We all need a focus for our pent-up energies. No, not what you're thinking. Something wholesome.

I have an idea. Some women are known for their great tips. I'd like to be known for mine. People may say "Who cares about Mag's tips?" but those are people with problems.

We all need tips. I've got some beauties:

Junior Plumbing

Encourage youngsters to develop an interest in plumbing by pouring a can of Cola into the toilet bowl. Let it sit for one hour, then brush and flush clean. The citric acid in Cola removes stains from vitreous china. Fun? Wow!

Intermediate Plumbing

Washing machine smelling like Swamp Thing? You can keep the hoses on your washing machine fragrant and scum-free by pouring a cup of white vinegar into the machine once a month, and running it through a quick cycle with no clothes in it. Or no clothes on, if you want some sizzle in your month. What the heck, be frisky. It's winter. You haven't seen your skin in a while. It'll do you good. Keep the lights low, to minimize the glare.

Paste Treats

You can remove crayon from walls by scrubbing the marks using white toothpaste on an old toothbrush. Scratches on glassware can be polished out too, with a dab of toothpaste on a rag and about three hours of your spare time. Winter is just whipping by, eh?!

But wait, toothpaste has more listings on the Fun Chart. For example, if you're troubled by blemishes, don't spend good money on expensive skin medications. Simply dab those trouble spots with toothpaste. Overnight, the paste dries up pimples and gives you a fresh start. And next time, don't eat so much Christmas chocolate, piggie.

Roaring Drawers

Nobody likes having sticky drawers. Well-lubricated drawers are the secret of a contented adulthood. Rub the casters or drawer edges with a bar of soap and experience the emotional satisfaction of an easy slide.

Foot to be Dried

After a tough day of home repairs, even the daintiest girl can develop a distinct aroma in her sneakers. But let's not just blame the sneakers. The feet had something to do with it.

Boil a few tea bags in a large pot of water for about 10 minutes. Add enough cold water to make a comfortable soak. Then immerse those little sausages for 20 minutes or so, towel them off and apply a little corn starch. Do this twice a day, until the odor is under control. The tannin in tea acts as a drying agent, and prevents the odors from starting, since odor-causing bacteria can only grow in a moist environment.

(Share this tip with family members. Serve a smelly dinner, and pretend it reminds you of the remedy for odoriferous feet. Mention the cure casually, and note which family members perk up. After all, they know who they are.)

Dust or Bust

The holidays are an ideal time for obscure maintenance tasks. Clean the dust from under the refrigerator by placing one leg of an old pair of pantyhose over the end of a broom handle. Grab the other leg, and slide the pantyhose-clad broomstick under the fridge. Swish it around and withdraw it. Marvel at the quarter-pounder dust patties that had collected under there.

But wait, hose enthusiasts, there's more! If your garlic is sprouting in the fridge, simply fill the foot of a pair of pantyhose with garlic and hang it high and dry. No more sprouts. But possibly some weird comments from relatives.

Chalk On

Women used to laugh at those ring-around-the-collar ads. The poor man. The shame of it. The humiliation of dirty, trashy ring around the collar. Why doesn't he just wash his neck, we all thought.

But it's not really dirt, you see. It's sebum oil. Nasty sebum oils can ruin washday. Don't fret. Remove ring around the collar with chalk. Simply rub white chalk into the ring, let it sit for 10 minutes, then launder as usual. End the heartbreak. Get the chalk.

Puke Inhibitor

If you've ever heard someone gag on food in a restaurant, you know the embarrassment suffered by cats with fur balls. Help your cat avoid the stigma of projectile vomiting. Add one teaspoon of corn oil to his food each day. The oil eases the fur ball's progress through the alimentary canal. Your cat will reward you with years of stain-free living.

Bugged to Death

Have you ever noticed how many bugs choose death by ceiling fixture? There they lie, bug upon bug. Soon, the room becomes dark as bug bodies pile up in the fixture.

Yet who has the time to get a ladder from the garage and stand on it to remove the fixture and then wash it out in the laundry sink?

My answer is the common blow dryer and an umbrella. Simply stand in the middle of the room, reach up with the blow dryer and switch it on. Your ceiling fixture is blown clean in seconds, and the bug bodies drop safely onto your umbrella, not in your hair.

Holiday Stress Relief

On those days when you've spent far too much time with relatives, relax in the evening by cleaning tarnish from copper pennies with ketchup. No one will want to join you, so you'll have some valuable me-time.

There must be hundreds of copper items around the house that you can shine up with a little ketchup. Like your high-grade gourmet copper pots, or the little tiny wires in all your lamps, or your IUD.