Computer reality

They say to err is human, but to really foul things up takes a computer. And yet, we've let them take over our lives. Once microchips got a foothold in our homes, there was nothing to stop them taking control of our cars, our workplace, even our power tools. Computers just kept making things smarter, safer and more efficient despite our best efforts. Then groups of them started linking up to form the World Wide Web, and it was all over. It's turned an entire generation into Cyber Zombies. When I was young, it was "Tune in, turn on, drop out." Now it's "Boot up, log on, zone out." Over the last few decades, computers have slowly but surely taken over every aspect of human life, and there are those of us who have resisted them every step of the way from punch cards to PCs. I salute the effort but I'm here to tell you the battle is over -- we lost. Badly. The Palm Pilots have landed. Lay down your arms and get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome like everyone else. The enemy's at the gates. The enemy may even be named Gates.

Engineered food

If you're like me, you've been hearing a lot about these genetically modified organisms lately. Where scientists are making these new kinds of foods by taking the genes from a zucchini, mixing them with the genes from a sheep's bladder and getting a woolly cucumber that's potty trained. The other day, I was at the grocery store looking for the ingredients to make a BLT, and on the shelf I see these things called "grape tomatoes" -- tomatoes the size of, you guessed it, grapes. Fine, I suppose if you want to make a salad that you have to eat with a pair of tweezers. Then I look over next to them, and there are these "organic" tomatoes, grown without using any chemicals. And it shows: They're greener and lumpier than a 40-year-old mattress. And right there in front of them is this guy wearing open-toed sandals and a T-shirt with "100percent HEMP" written on it. He sees me looking at the Franken-tomatoes and says, "Those little things are totally unnatural. They'll totally mess with your system." So I tell him that happens every time I eat a bratwurst.

And he gets this look on his face like I just told him that granola was a four-letter word and says, "Oh, you eat meat." And I say, "Well, it's a whole lot better than the other way around." Then he goes off in a huff, and I'm left wondering what just happened there. All I wanted was a BLT, but some hippie and I end up comparing the size of our tomatoes. Now I'm not saying that the dude in the smokable T-shirt was wrong or the scientists are right. All I'm saying is the next time you go to buy a beefsteak tomato, you'd better think twice.

Male communication

Things men never say to other men:

• Do I look fat?
• I love what you've done with your hair.
• Excuse me.
• You have lipstick on your teeth.
• Where am I?
• Could you please help me fix this?

Good by comparison

I think it's a good idea to surround yourself with things that are the same age as you are. Not just friends and loved ones, but houses and cars and almost anything really. You may think you're in rough shape, but not compared to that baby carriage that was bought on the day you were born. Or the TV. Or the lawnmower. If you want to feel better about yourself, go to an old guy's yard sale, and pick up a few banged up rusty items that are the same age as you. You'll look so good beside them. But stay away from anything that's been restored. Things your age that look good will only give your wife dangerous ideas.

Quote of the day

"What could possibly go wrong?" -- Red Green