ATM dad

I know a lot of parents out there are giving their teen-agers allowances, and I'm all for it. It gives them a little freedom and teaches them about money -- and prepares them for the welfare system, which is such an important part of our society. It's like they've worked at being a kid for 12 years and, as soon as they turn 13, they get to collect unemployment.

The trouble starts when they abuse the system by asking for a raise or an advance against future income.

These problems can avoided by Dad changing into a human ATM.

Give the kid a card that he has to present prior to withdrawing his allowance. Dad looks at the card and asks him to give his PIN verbally. (This also serves as a sobriety test - for both of them.) Then they punch in their request for the full $10 allowance.

ATM Dad checks his records to see whether they've already withdrawn the maximum for this week.

If everything is fine, he forks over the money. If it's not, he rips up the card and refers them to the account manager: Mom.

Play me or trade me

Friends are great to have, but if you want to sustain a group of friends for a lifetime, you really need to manage them. Like a baseball team. You need a mix of veterans and rookies to keep it interesting.

It's the veterans who'll see you through when the game's on the line because they've been there before. But you need to rest them from time to time because, after this many seasons, everybody's seen their stuff, and their high hard one isn't what it used to be.

And never lose sight of the importance of a good farm system. You need new potential friends coming to the spring tryouts on a regular basis. Most of them will go by the wayside, but then there'll be the newcomer who instantly becomes one of your best friends. What we call a "natural."

Old friends are the best friends, but new friends keep everybody honest.

Dangerous assumptions

Sometimes when we reach mid-life, we have an inflated opinion of how we good we are at reading our surroundings and making behavioral choices based on that evaluation. Here's a short list of dangerous assumptions to watch out for:

• This company will never fire me;
• Everyone likes ethnic jokes;
• That young, attractive woman is giving me the eye;
• I don't need to shave today;
• I'm younger than that old-looking guy;
• A card is as good as a gift;
• Tonight's the night.

Advice for the ages

If I had to give one piece of advice to a man just moving into adulthood, I would say that you should pretend to be stupid every chance you get.

I've never seen any percentage in having a reputation for being smart. People will expect you to know things and will turn to you whenever there's a problem. Where's the fun in that?

I say you're better off if they think you're a little slow. They'll be nice to you and will leave you alone.

Over time, that becomes a man's top priority.

I'm not telling you to be stupid -- just pretend you are. Meanwhile, in a subtle, quiet, unobtrusive way, be just smart enough to stay married and employed.

Quote of the Day

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes." -- Red Green