Taking a dive

One hobby that I've never understood is skydiving. I believe everybody has a voice inside that tells them not to do dumb things. (If you're married, you have two of them. And the loud one isn't even yours.) This voice stops you from doing idiotic things like stepping into oncoming traffic or quitting your job to become a mime. Or jumping out of an airplane.

Skydiving is crazy. But they tell me that if you get a bunch of guys to go with you, it's not crazy, it's bonding. So I suggest you go skydiving only if you can get a bunch of guys to go with you.

But first, you all have to ask your wives if it's OK with them. If the wives say "no," the guys don't go. And if the wives say "yes," I'd say their marriages are in serious trouble.

Those were the days

You and your wife pretty much see eye-to-eye. Or as close to eye-to-eye as married people get if they look at each other. But her taste in music is becoming a problem. If she's not playing "Dancing Queen," it's either "Waterloo" or "Can You Hear the Drums, Fernando?" She's worn out three ABBA's "Greatest Hits" CDs and all of your patience.

What you have to understand is that she's not just listening to music. She's reliving her life the way it was before she met you. And if you could go back in time, you'd see her the way she sees herself -- at a disco in a tube top with three pounds of blue mascara and a Harvey Wallbanger. She sure looks hot.

Of course, you looked pretty hot back then too -- three gold chains, four chest hairs and five bucks worth of breath mints. So what if you could walk up to her table and lay this on her, "Who loves ya, baby?" Would you care if they were playing Dancing Queen? No, because "you bad," my friend. And she knows it. So forget about ABBA. You just have to ask yourself ... do you feel lucky, Punk? And if the answer is yes, make love not war.

Husband-speak

Communication is great, but you have to be aware that there are things you should never say to your wife. Here are a few examples:

• "This is all your fault."
• "I think your sister's lost weight."
• "What have you done to your hair?"
• "Let's not do anything special on our anniversary."
• "The company would never fire me."
• "It seems like we've been married forever."

Lest we forget

Nov. 11 is an important day. Some call it Remembrance Day; some call it Armistice Day or Veterans' Day. For me this year, it was a day when we were having a small dinner party. My wife sent me out to get a few last-minute groceries, including liquor.

I arrived at the liquor store only to find that it was closed. I checked the "hours of operation" sign. It said the store opens at 11 a.m. I checked my watch. It said 11 a.m. I grabbed the door and started shaking it. Then I started yelling into the store for somebody to open up. "Hey! Come on! It's 11 o'clock! What's the problem?!" Then I looked at my watch again and noticed that not only was it 11 o'clock, but that it was also November 11. And then it hit me. I was spending the two minutes of silence yelling at somebody to open the liquor store.

I looked around sheepishly to see if there were any witnesses. Just a lone taxi driver parked at the curb. The name of the cab company was "Veteran's Taxi." That was not my finest hour.

Quote of the day:

"If your wife is having fun and you're not, you're still having way more fun than when you're having fun and she's not." -- Red Green