One at a time, please

I read in magazines that there are some men and women in this world who, although married, carry on long-term, secret affairs with other women and men. I don't understand how this is possible. Oh, sure, I know how a one-night stand works, but I'm talking about week after week, month after month, year after year infidelity. I've been married a long time, and I think I'm in reasonable physical and mental condition, and I can tell you I could never come up with the time or energy to fulfill my obligations to two different partners. A relationship is a full-time job. If you have two at once, those are two part-time jobs. Nobody ever got successful in a part-time job, not even in two part-time jobs. Especially these kinds of part-time jobs where you have to keep your lies straight, and your energy up, and everybody happy. I don't know why these people do it. Maybe it's fun for them, but it would kill me. On a good day, I'm keeping my head above water with one relationship. I would never survive two. Or more. As far as I'm concerned, monogamy is not a hardship, it's a lifesaver.

The squeaky wheel gets the job

You always hear about people who belong to clubs or organizations, and they have problems with something, or they point out where some aspects of the operation are unsatisfactory, and they ultimately get put in charge of a committee, or even become president of the association. There's a lesson here. Keep quiet. Be satisfied. Even if it means lowering your standards. I think the same rule can be applied to relationships. Now some people feel that when one partner finds fault with some aspect of the living arrangements, it's really a demand for the other person to solve the problem. I don't see it that way. I have more of a Country Club approach. I consider any complaint to be that person's way of asking for permission to make improvements. Do you see how that can reduce arguments and simplify life? I never cringe when my wife complains about the color of the living room, because I interpret that as her asking for permission to paint it. And the answer is "Absolutely, Honey. Knock yourself out. Whatever makes you happy." It's also the reason I never complain about anything.

Not see worthy

Otherwise sane men often lose all sense when it comes to picking a name for their boats. Always remember that other people will see that name. And they will assume that name means something. That can hurt you. Here are a few examples of bad names for boats:

• Tax Dodge
• The Other Woman
• I.O.U.
• Cirrhosis of the River
• Howdy Yawl
• Ketch Me If You Can
• Breaking Wind

The unbiased judge

If you're concerned about reducing the costs of heating your house in the winter and cooling it in the summer, you need a new approach. Identify the fattest and thinnest people who live in your home. They are about to be given special status. The fat one will be solely in control of the heat setting for the coldest months, and the skinny one will be at the helm for turning on the air conditioning in the hot times. The principle here is that you put the decision in the hands of the person who will benefit least from the result. It's why they have eunuchs guarding harems, and taxpayers deciding on government spending, and men shopping for engagement rings.

Quote of the day

"If you want to hire a great salesman, look for an ugly guy with a beautiful wife." -- Red Green