Those bed and breakfast blues

We have a couple of friends who have retired from their jobs and have turned their house into a bed and breakfast. So, naturally, my wife and I end up discussing the possibility of doing the same thing. That's a natural reaction. Whenever someone you know does something that you haven't done, you start considering it. That's why when you're selling some product that's completely worthless, the first sale is so important.

Now, I don't know whether my wife is going to push this bed-and-breakfast thing, but I plan to fight it all the way. I don't like strangers in my house at any time, and staying overnight is really asking for trouble. I'm going to hear strange noises and snippets of conversations and only imagine what's going on in there. And who came up with the concept of giving them breakfast? That's not the high point of my day, either physically or emotionally. I'll be awake all night listening to potential tribal rituals, and then I'm expected to greet these transients at the bottom of the stairs with a smile and an omelet. It's more than a coincidence that the emergence of bed and breakfasts is concurrent with the increase in domestic violence.

Silence, please

In my early 20s, I was in a rock band. We played different kinds of music, but all of it was really loud. The slogan "How do we do it?... Volume!" was a pretty good description of our approach. When you're loud, you don't get criticized. Or at least you don't hear it. But that was 30 years ago. Now I don't like anything loud. I need to be able to hear what my wife is saying. I've learned that it's better for everyone if I hear her the first time. Before I buy something else that we don't need. And before she commits me to a social function. Or an institution. I used to like loud things like rock music and dragsters and explosions. Now I like quiet things -- like babies not crying and phones not ringing and salesmen not knocking. If I worked at the airport wearing those silencer earmuffs, I'd probably leave them on all the time. Except, of course, when my wife is talking.

Life lessons, Part 1

As I look back over my life so far, I've learned a few life lessons. Some of them were expected. You could see them coming. Others came as a total surprise. So, to enlighten those who are coming after me, here are a few unexpected life lessons that you may encounter:

• Jokes that are funny to you may not be funny to members of the opposite sex or the clergy.
• A T-shirt saying "I'm With Stupid" should never be worn on a first date.
• Clearing your nasal passages should be done in private, rather than during a job interview.
• Women have no interest in how much you can drink.
• Teen-agers with purple hair are not seeking your approval.
• Spring-loaded tools should never be carried in the pants pockets.

Last call

The other day, I saw a guy walking through the park with his sweetheart. They were holding hands and strolling in a leisurely fashion like the people in those French movies do. And the whole time, he's talking to somebody on his cell phone. Nothing urgent. Just talking leisurely to an acquaintance while he meanders through the trees with his significant other. Now, I'm not a relationship expert, but when your partner would rather make small talk over the phone than talk to you, I think it's time to hang that one up. And make sure you reverse the charges.

Quote of the Day

"If you find yourself feeling happy, try not to think of anything." -- Red Green