A state of mind

I've heard it said that age is a state of mind. Well, so is insanity. Age is a state of body. Our minds can take advantage of arrested development, but our bodies remain at large, armed and dangerous, careening the getaway car headlong into old age and infirmity. In our society, if you're not young, you're old. You'd better get ready for it. Some day soon you'll be riding a bus, and that pretty young thing that you've been sneaking a peek at will get up and offer you her seat. You better take it, because when that happens, you're going to need one. Now don't go nuts and run out and buy a red Ferrari or something. If you truly need a car, make it something conservative and normal. A Ferrari is a mid-life crisis, what you need is a mid-life Chrysler. Embrace the autumn of your life. If you don't, you're riding for a fall.

The door to chaos

My wife received an unusual and anonymous gift for Christmas -- a beautiful antique doorknob for our front door. I installed it on New Year's Eve so we could have a fresh start with a new doorknob -- it's way easier than keeping resolutions. By Jan. 2, my wife noticed that the lamp and wall sconces in our front hall looked pretty cheap compared to the new doorknob and, as luck would have it, more suitable lamps and wall sconces were on sale at our local furniture store. Once we got those in place, the hall was looking great, but the living room seemed kind of shabby by comparison. That was two months ago. We have replaced almost all of the furniture and carpeting in the living room, dining room and throughout our whole house. I get an uneasy feeling every time I come home. That's because I have to go through our front door. I hate that doorknob -- the free gift that cost us a fortune. And, we have no idea who sent it to us. I'm guessing it was the furniture store.

Things you should never do alone

• Go to a boat show.
• Attend happy hour.
• Try a home barber kit.
• Talk to the arresting officer.
• Spend time with your in-laws.
• Anything on your honeymoon.

Outdoors is not in

A lot of you guys out there could probably benefit from my experience. That's a nice way of saying that in the River of Time, I'm a little farther up the creek than you. Now, I bet that you still think of yourself as that virile outdoorsy guy you were 20 years ago, but I'm here to tell you that is no longer the case. As the years have passed, Nature has been taking its course, but you haven't been keeping up with the curriculum. Heading out into the wilderness at your age is just asking for trouble. Remember how you used to grab the old knapsack before hiking up the mountain? Now you need to grab a nap in the sack before hiking up your pants. Was the last white water you were in from spilling your Bromo in the Jacuzzi? And when's the last time you saw your hiking boots? Heck, when's the last time you saw your feet? Forget the wilderness. Would you rather leave your home and spend the day in the remote wilderness like your forbearers? Or, would you spend the day at home with the remote and leave the wilderness for bears? Just settle into your Barcalounger, tune in to National Geographic and enjoy the natural disasters in total comfort. At our age, we don't need high adventure, we need high fiber. And, if you eat enough oat bran, you may get both.

Quote of the day

"You know you've reached middle age when your back goes out more often than you do." -- Red Green