Fight or flight

If you have a spouse who jogs and you don't, this can be a very dangerous development in a relationship. I've found that, in general, any type of fitness program is not an end unto itself, but is preparatory for some other activity in the future; in some cases, the Olympics, but in most cases, old age.

Now the problem comes out of the two basic instincts human beings have when confronted with danger: fight or flight. A person will either stay and try to resolve the problem through confrontation, or will run away and avoid it altogether. If you've got a wife who jogs, her natural reaction will be to head for the hills. And since you're a couch potato, you won't be able to catch her and bring her back. And even worse, if you have a wife who jogs and also takes Tae Kwan Do, even if you could catch her, she may have an unpleasant surprise for you. The best solution is to communicate with each other long before it gets to an escalated stage. In my opinion, whenever one person in a relationship makes a concerted effort at self-improvement, that's a sure sign of trouble.

New versus used

My friend and I were having a discussion that has plagued mankind since the beginning of time -- whether it's better to buy "new" or "used." "New" is expensive and untried, but "used" carries the risk of inheriting someone else's problems. If it was working, why are they getting rid of it? I couldn't help but wonder if this same quandary applies to starting up a relationship. Are you better to go "new," someone who's never had a relationship before? Or "used," someone who's been around the block a time or two? With "new" you avoid the comparison factor -- you're the only man she's ever been with. With "used" she has lowered expectations; all you have to be is less disappointing than the last guy. Even if you do prefer "new," maybe you don't have the necessary qualifications (age, looks, money) to qualify as a customer, so you're looking at "used" by definition. I say make the best of it. Many people benefit from experience, and a couple who have been through unsuccessful relationships will truly welcome one that works. But you both have to be sensitive. Don't think of each other as "used" -- go with "previously enjoyed."

Timetable for trouble

An evening of insensitivity:

5:30 p.m. -- Your wife arrives home and is surprised that you're not there.

5:45 p.m. -- Your wife calls a restaurant and makes a reservation for the two of you.

6 p.m. -- You don't call.

6:01 to the present -- You don't call.

7 p.m. -- Your wife calls your office and your cell phone. No answer.

8 p.m. -- Your wife calls the police to see if you've been arrested. She gives them a very unflattering description of you. They suggest she check the zoo.

9 p.m. -- Your wife calls the hospital to see if you've been admitted. They say no. She tells them to expect you later.

11 p.m. -- Your wife goes to bed, after stacking furniture against the inside of the bedroom door.

11:30 p.m. -- You arrive home and call to your wife through the barricaded bedroom door.

11:31 p.m. -- She calls back "Goodnight" and, with a hint of sarcasm, adds "Happy Anniversary."

Eye of the beholder

People who improve things can be very difficult to live with. That's because whenever they look at anything, they mainly see what needs to be done. And they have the energy to do it. So they'll weed the garden or paint the house or recover the furniture. They make great business partners, because they constantly increase the value of the asset. They make difficult personal partners because you eventually fall victim to the same scrutiny.

Quote of the day

"The birth rate is a great indicator. It tells you if people are optimistic or pessimistic about the future. It also tells you if they're going to bed tired." -- Red Green