A quick chair-upholstery upgrade

Most people swear or cry out in dismay when they spill something. It's a shock, a dashing of pride. In our family, we just look blank and go for rags. We've spilled, splashed and splorted on planes, in cars, at friends' homes, in restaurants, at government functions and in bed.

We're so used to spilling that we don't feel self-condemnation or even mild embarrassment. We just clean it up or go to the hospital, in whatever order is prudent, like the time my brother sprayed the anti-fungal foot medication in his eyes.

Although our family heritage lends itself to explosive trajectories of food, drink, chemicals and paint, we only have to reupholster every 30 years. Our secret? We choose mottled fabrics that look kind of bad to begin with, and only marginally worse on their 10,950th day of use.

I remember the day back in 1975 when Mum carefully stapled brownish-green fabric over the dining room chair seats. I've been waiting ever since for the 30-year mark, and 2005 is finally here. It's my privilege now to erase the record of Ruffman spillage and stainage.

I got a nice mottly chenille tapestry and unleashed my enthusiasm on the job. Now, my mother is a thorough woman. She didn't mess around. I removed at least 217 staples from each chair seat (I am not exaggerating) using a small screwdriver and strong language. It took days. Fortunately my mother is away on a brief sojourn to rehab (for a hip injury, not substance abuse), so she didn't hear the things I said in a loud voice about her staple-happy largesse.

Steps

There are several configurations possible with drop-in chair seats. In some you'll find a simple chunk of plywood with a little foam on top, in others there'll be elaborate layers of webbing and stuffing. In either case, follow these simple but possibly time-consuming steps to complete recovery.

1. Remove the seat. Most drop-in seats are screwed on, sometimes with annoying old slot-head screws. If you've got a set of antique chairs, number the seats and the chairs in some subtle way (chalk is good) so that the screw-holes match up when you reinstall the seats.
2. If the seat was upholstered properly, there will be a cotton or synthetic covering stapled onto the underside. Remove the staples and save the covering if it's in good shape. (It's there to stop dust, stuffing and detritus from coming out of the chair onto the floor, plus it protects the seat innards from bugs, moths etc.)
3. Remove the tacks or staples holding the old upholstery fabric in place.
4. Place the chair seat upside down on your new fabric. Trace the outline of the chair seat, then cut the fabric adding about 2" extra around all edges. If the fabric starts fraying like crazy, use a sewing machine and zigzag-stitch along all of the edges.
5. Fold the fabric in half to find the center. Mark the front and back center points. If there are not already marks present on the chair seat bottom, also mark the center front and back of the seat.
6. Place the seat upside down on the fabric and line up the marks.
7. Staple at your front and back center marks and an inch to either side. HUGE TIP: Before stapling with 3/8-inch staples, "wipe" the surface of the material with the palm of your hand while pulling out the slack with your other hand. It works best if you tuck the chair seat under one arm to execute the wiping manoeuvre. If you're working with stripes, you'll see how magically the wiping motion tightens and evens up the fabric.
8. After wiping-and-pulling, hold the fabric against the frame with your thumb and staple. TIP: Staple to the left or right of your thumb rather than right below it, as this will leave homely little tight spots known in the upholstery business as 'tack pulls'- the origin of the expression "tacky".
9. Work from front to back, wiping and pulling, then stapling. Stop stapling about 2 inches from each corner. TIP: Mark the screw-holes as you go along or you'll be sorry later when you're e-attaching the seat and can't find the holes through the fabric.
10. After the front and back edges are stapled, repeat the process side to side.
11. Fold the corners so the fabric is neatly pleated. Staple in place. If you are using thick material, you may have to cut away a rectangle of cloth to keep the corner from becoming too thick and causing a gap between the seat and the chair frame.
12. Finish off by stapling cotton or landscaping cloth to the underside of the chair seat.
13. Use an ice pick to open the fabric up where you marked the screw-holes, and re-install the seats.

This is a fussy job so remember to choose darkish fabric that won't show the next 30 years of stains for at least 30 years. If you think that's redundant, you should see my mother with a stapler.