Steps to removing textured ceiling

The woman's voice was confident and friendly. "You have no fibres."

I felt elated, even euphoric.

This wasn't a medical call. It was Nancy Clark at McMaster University's Occupational and Environmental Health Laboratory. I'd recently sent the lab a sample of ceiling scrapings from our guest bedroom. Nancy had tested my handful of powdery goodness for asbestos, a popular ingredient in ceiling texture prior to 1980, when it was banned as a carcinogen and health hazard. (And I'm guessing they also banned asbestos in Grade Six art class, where my classmates and I regularly created sculptures out of, what else, asbestos.) According to Nancy, the ancient Greeks realized that their slaves were dying in asbestos mines, but nobody got around to banning the stuff until 1980. Oops.

However, Nancy's ebullient call meant that we officially had no asbestos in our ceiling. I heard myself gush, "Wow! Now I have to scrape the whole bloody ceiling!" I wasn't mad. Although now that I HAVE scraped the whole ceiling, I can tell you that I should have been mad.

Goo Grief

Ceiling texture is one of those fads that is here to stay. It acts as foundation makeup, hiding flaws under a layer of lumpy, sprayed-on goo. If the builder of your house achieved less-than-perfect drywall joints, bingo, it was texture time.

As I explained last week, my husband believes that ceiling texture comes from The Bad Place. Clearly, it had to go. (To say that I participated in the decision to remove the entire ceiling surface in the guestroom would be like saying that men participate in childbirth. But this was not a battle I could win. So I went along with him, saying the kinds of helpful things men say during childbirth, like "Eww." Because removing ceiling texture is messy and awkward and almost as much trouble as childbirth.)

If you're anything like my husband, and that's not easy, you want the sleek look of a smooth ceiling. Rejoice. It's a simple renovation. It's also messy, time-consuming and laborious. What part of that sounds simple? It's this: there are no skill requirements. All you need is patience. It also helps to have a wicked mind that spins intriguing fantasies while you scrape and scrape. And scrape. And scrape. And scrape some more. And then finish the scraping.

Speed Lumps

Here are some tips for de-lumping your own ceiling, should you choose that fate.

1. Send a sample of the texture to an accredited lab to be analyzed for asbestos. If you've got asbestos fibres in your ceiling you don't want to remove it; it's better to paint over it.
2. If you get an asbestos-free report, start by putting drop cloths all over the room in question. You're going to be wetting the ceiling surface before you scrape it off; the falling, sodden texture material is stickier than American politics.
3. Spray the ceiling in small 4-foot-square sections. Let it soak in for a few minutes.
4. Use a floor scraper (looks like the tool the road crews use to break up compacted ice in spring) or any flat, wide blade, to peel the texture off the ceiling. It should be easy. If it's not, wet it again. Be careful not to gouge the sheetrock with the edges of your scraping blade. It will mean a patching job later. And you won't be in the mood.
5. With any luck there's a primer coat on the ceiling underneath the texture. Keep spraying and scraping until the ceiling surface looks and feels smooth. You'll probably have to go over the whole surface again with a smaller blade to really get all the crud off. You can also use a pole sander to smooth rough areas. However, if you're down to the paper sheath of the sheetrock (no primer), do not sand! You'll just make the paper furry, which will ruin the finish of your paint.
6. Patch any gouges in the sheetrock with drywall mud. Buy all-purpose pre-mixed mud in a pail. Put a small amount of mud into a drywall tray (or loaf pan if that's all you've got) and work it back and forth with your drywall blade until it's smooth and supple. Add a tiny bit of water if it's stiff.
7. Fill dings and dents by applying drywall mud in thin layers. INSIDER TIP: Do not sand between coats! It just creates a ton of dust, which strains your furnace filter and your sinuses. Instead, once the mud has dried thoroughly, use a drywall blade to take down the high spots on your patches. Then apply another thin coat of mud, feathering the edges. When that layer is dry, knock down the high spots again with a drywall blade. Then, finally, smooth the entire patch with a damp sponge, gently moving the sponge over the patch in a circular motion.
8. If the drywall contractor wasn't concentrating, you may have to float drywall mud over the entire ceiling surface to smooth it out properly. That's another story I hope I don't ever have to cover. If you've got that problem, write me and I'll talk you down, or recommend someone who can.
9. Wait until everything dries, then prime and paint.
10. Invite friends over to ogle your ceiling. If they're not effusive, send them home.