What's in it for you

There comes a time in the lives of most men when you realize you've treated your cars better than you've treated your own body. You've even treated rental cars better than your own body. But it's not a rental car.

You can't ditch it in the woods and then report it stolen. Are you one of these guys? Is it possible that you haven't kept yourself in showroom condition? There's an easy way to find out. Stand in front of the bathroom mirror. Don't actually look directly into the mirror; you're not ready for that shock yet. What you do is open up your medicine cabinet and look inside. Remember how when you were young, there'd be some toothpaste and maybe some mouthwash in it? What's in there now?

Antihistamines, anti-inflammatories, antidiarrheals, antidepressants (in case the antidiarrheals don't work). Your medicine cabinet used to be practically empty, now you've had to build on. Anti-fungals, unguents, ointments, poultices, patches, plasters, salves -- all these bottles and tubes spill out onto your sink counter, the top of the toilet tank, every horizontal surface in your bathroom. Decongestants, muscle rubs, eye drops, wart remover, hair restorer, nasal sprays, denture cleaner, antacids. If this sounds like your bathroom, it's time to take stock of your health. And time to buy stock in a drug company.

Urban irony

I used to live out in the country with acreage and well water and peace and quiet and all that, but for the last 10 years I've lived right downtown in a medium-sized city. In that time, I've had raccoons in my chimney, mice in my basement and bats in my belfry. I never had any of those problems in the country. That's because in a rural environment there's room for everybody. Mice and raccoons can have their area; I can have mine. But in the city, we're all sharing the same space. The tree that was the raccoon's home was cut down and turned into a deck. Mice like dark and dank and my basement is an ideal source of each. If you want to get away from animals, move to the country where they have options. If you live in a congested city, having animals infest your home is as understandable as your adult children moving back in. They have nowhere else to go.

Freedom 85

Signs that you may not be as ready to retire as you think you are:

• You have 47 years left on your mortgage payments.
• Packard has recalled your car.
• Your daughter has decided to become an artist.
• The doctors can't guarantee that you'll die soon.
• After a two-week vacation, your wife looks forward to you going back to work.
• Your retirement fund relies on a winning lottery ticket.

It's automatic

I was at an antique car show this week and the biggest evolution of cars in the last 50 years is in the area of sleekness. A 1951 Chevy was tall and narrow. The cars of today are low and wide. To explain this, you have to go back a little further to when there were no cars at all. In the days of the horse and buggy, the driver and passengers sat up straight so that the bumps wouldn't throw anyone's back out. The early cars are based on the same principle. You can't make a sleek car if the people inside it need to sit up straight. So some automotive engineers made the decision that people didn't need to sit up straight. That changed everything. That's how they get the cars of today to look so sleek. They've got us all lying down. Lying down in cars. No wonder teen pregnancies are up.

Quote of the day

"You should never lie to your wife, but she may not want to hear all the truth all the time." -- Red Green