Speed demons

Men generally like to do things fast. Drive, eat, change channels. It's a long list. My wife often says to me, "Slow down. It's not a race." I think she's wrong. I think it is a race -- a race against time. We know we have to do things every day that we don't enjoy. We don't complain about that. Our only protest is to get those things over with as quickly as possible, to allow ourselves more time to do the things we want to do. Things that men enjoy, they do slowly. Like fishing or watching sports. Or thinking. There is one exception where men have something they enjoy though tend to do too quickly, but that's because they're trying to get the job done before their partner changes her mind. Generally the speed at which a man performs a task is inversely proportional to the pleasure he gets from the job. So the next time you're in a place of business and the clerk is taking forever, just stop and acknowledge that you're in the presence of someone who really enjoys his work.

Getting up to code

Whenever you build a structure or put an addition on your house or do any renovating, you have to deal with various professional codes. Maybe a building code to get a permit, or an electrical code, or a plumbing code. These are guidelines that must be met, in order for the job to be approved. These guidelines or codes are there to protect you and your neighbors from having to put up with a building that is either unsafe or unsightly. Codes are a good thing. Unfortunately, there are also codes for having a successful relationship. I call them Marriage Codes.

But where the building codes are public information, the Marriage Codes are Top Secret. You can look up how to properly install a toilet, but you are not allowed to look up what your partner considers a satisfactory birthday gift, or an acceptable comment on her new dress or hairstyle. Many of us are flying blind and are often blindsided. Now, I think Marriage Codes are a good thing. They make us better husbands and protect us from behaving like single people. My problem is the secrecy thing. Life has proven to me that when it comes to women, I'm not a good guesser. I need guidance in these areas. And the only people who can help me are other women. Other married women. But meeting privately with married women is apparently an infraction of one of the Marriage Codes. Hindsight is over-rated.

No response required

In grade 10 English class, I was introduced to the concept of the rhetorical question. The question that does not need, and does not want, an answer. I have since discovered that rhetorical questions are an important part of any marriage. If you're married, here are a few questions that you should not answer:

• What were you thinking?
• Did I go to college for this?
• Was it something I did wrong?
• How stupid do you think I am?
• Where do you get these ideas?

The power of nothing

At work or at home, I would advise everyone to not be quick to say or do anything. When I look back over my relationships and careers, I have to conclude that you get into a lot more trouble for things you say and do, than for things you don't say and don't do. If this keeps up, I could become a pretty successful politician.

Quote of the day

"Anybody who thinks machines are better than people has never owned a pull-start lawnmower." -- Red Green