Dishwasher maintenance

A Glossary of Terms

People often struggle with vocabulary related to construction, utilities, hardware and appliances. They simply lack the technical lingo. Here is a helpful glossary of terms that may be useful to the modern home-dweller:

Dishwasher cheese - A compressed, felt-like layer of food that has fused to your dishwasher strainer and gaskets if you never rinse your dishes before placing them in the unit. Dishwasher cheese causes film and grime on dishes, smells acrid and has the consistency of fried feta. May be combustible. Opa!

"What the - " - The first two words out of a homeowner's mouth upon encountering dishwasher cheese.

"Right, I see." - The first three words out of a customer service rep's mouth when you call to describe the problem you're having with an appliance. Once you're disarmed by this show of concurrence, you are willing to do anything the customer service rep suggests, including horsing your dishwasher out of its cubby under the counter so you can read the serial number on the back of it, which you can't because it's obscured by corrosion, a cousin of dishwasher cheese. Meanwhile the customer service rep waits for you with barely a trace of annoyance as you scrape your way down to the serial number, which, when found, triggers the rep to announce with sudden coldness that your dishwasher was built in the 60's and they no longer make parts for that model.

She - a pronoun used by many independent dishwasher repairmen to identify an appliance that's malfunctioning, as in "Way she's sounding, she's probably got a cheese build-up."

P-trap - The curiously-named u-shaped undersink pipe through which your dishwasher usually drains; the p-trap contains standing water to block sewer gases from backing up into your home. P-traps usually haven't been cleaned out since the '60's, so the slime they harbour may be sentient. Place your slime under a microscope and see if it responds to basic commands. If it does, send prize-winning footage to America's Most Amazing Pet Videos.

Effluvium, Effluvia, Effluxion - A family of terms related to noxious p-trap fumes, or any deadly gas, as in "After the chilli I effluxed a pound of carbon emissions."

Torque - Torque is a twisting force, the kind needed to remove the nuts on a p-trap for cleaning. If there is no torque acting on the nuts, the angular momentum of the nuts is a constant. If somebody applies torque to nuts with a pipe wrench, the angular momentum of the nuts is still constant, although it won't feel like it.

Reef - An effort of extreme force, as in "I really had to reef on those nuts".

Fittings - An ironic term describing plumbing parts that don't fit together no matter how hard you reef on them.

TIP: If you encounter the heartbreak of dishwasher cheese, try the following:

1. Run your finger along the hard-to-see edges of gaskets and feel for encrustation. When you detect the gritty, mucilaginous crud, scream "WHAT THE - !"
2. Run the dishwasher on "rinse" with a litre of vinegar poured into the bottom of the unit.
3. Let the dishwasher cool and, if possible, remove the strainer (the strainer is under the bottom spray arm).
4. Use a scrub-brush dipped in vinegar to scour the gasket and strainer surfaces.
5. Replace the strainer.
6. Run the unit with vinegar once again.
7. Rinse your dishes from now on.

If you have any helpful terms to submit to the ToolGirl Dictionary of Home Repair Slang, please feel free to send them to toolgirl@anythingicando.com. In the meantime, here is a bonus word from the utilities industry:

Nuke-yule-er - a common mispronunciation of "nuclear", thought to originate in Texas, where 'Ahl' is the preferred energy source. When corrected with a gentle "I think you mean nu-CLEE-er", people who say "nuke-yule-er" always retort "That's what I said: nuke-yule-er". One way to press home your point is to say "The weather is cule-er; let's walk down to the bar and order some bule-er. Then later we can pinch the waiter on the rule-er."