Off-hand questions, on-target answers

I've been married for quite a while. In fact, I've been married longer that I was single. You'd sense that in a flash if you saw me in person -- the hunched shoulders, the cautious gait, the avoidance of eye contact. And if there's one thing I've learned about women in all this time, it's that you have to watch out for the off-hand questions. Don't worry about the straight-out, interrogation-style stuff where she stands directly in front of you and asks, "Where have you been?" or "Do you know what time it is?" or "Why is the shed on fire?" Those are the easy ones. You can say anything you want because she's already guessed the answer and probably doesn't even expect one.

The important questions are way sneakier. She'll be reading the paper or looking for something in the fridge or removing her make-up, and she'll put on her most casual just-making-conversation voice and say "Did you notice that blonde woman in the blue dress?" Your instincts tell you to say "no" -- but don't do it. Just say, "Which woman?" She'll then say, "The one you were talking to over by the pool." (Aren't you glad you didn't say "no"?) Now you have a problem because this next answer will determine your immediate future, especially if it's bedtime. More important than the content of this answer, it must be the perfect length and tone. She asked in a fake-casual way, and your answer should match. Eight words are perfect. Any more or less, and your wife'll be suspicious. I suggest, "She's our new receptionist. I think she's gay."

Keeping trim

I spend most of the winter in Florida. I'm not bragging, I just want to add credibility to my next piece of advice. Old guys should have short hair. There is nothing masculine or artistically whimsical about straggly wisps of curly white hair framing a wrinkle farm. Even if your hair is thick, you must keep it short. Generally, your hair looks older than you are, so letting it proportionately dominate your appearance will make you seem even more ancient than you deserve. When you're 18, maybe it looks good to see long, unkempt hair as a sign that you're just starting out. But at 60, you're not starting out, you're finishing up. And presenting yourself as "struggling" at that age does not enhance your overall image. So if you're an older guy, get your hair cut as often as you can. If you're cheap, get your wife to do it. Just make sure she has her glasses on and she's in a good mood.

The name says it all

Big corporations spend a lot of time and money selecting names for their products and services. But in these days of so many entrepreneurs starting their own businesses, they often don't have the resources to pick their names carefully. If that's your situation, here are some names to avoid:

• A crematorium called "Fired, But Not Forgotten."
• A laxative called "Sprint."
• A steakhouse called "Meat Here."
• A large-sizes clothing store called "Grandiose Designs."
• An after-hours vasectomy clinic called "Nick at Night."

Watch out for the plus-minus

I was watching hockey on television when I heard the sportscasters talk about a player's "plus-minus." This statistic represents the number of goals scored by his team while he's on the ice, minus the number of goals scored against his team while he's on the ice. For a good player it's a positive number, for a not-so-good player, it's not so positive.

I wondered whether this stat could ever be applied to a married man. His plus-minus would be the number of happy times his wife has when she's with him, minus the number of unhappy times his wife has when she's with him. If it's a positive number, he'll probably finish his career on her team. If it's a negative number, he'll probably be traded for someone younger, and future considerations.

Quote of the day

"You should always be ready for the call. It could be a pardon from the governor." -- Red Green