Big is good

I've had a chance to study many of the inexplicable aspects of male behavior throughout my life, and the one that continues to impress me is man's ability to stand and wonder at some amazing feat that has absolutely no practical application to life as we know it.

For example, there's an annual contest where men build huge catapults and then use them to see how far they can throw a Buick.

I've never been there, but I'm guessing the spectators are predominantly male. Men will always choose magnitude over content.

Give us a huge fireball or an earth-shattering collision or even just a really loud noise, and we'll line up for tickets. We don't care about the long-term benefits. The more frivolous the huge thing is, the better we like it. Most men believe that no matter how useless something is, if you make it big enough, it becomes worthwhile. That's probably why most of us overeat.

The evolution of games

We didn't have video games when I was a kid. We were stuck with having to play football or baseball out in the sunshine with our friends, rather than having the luxury of being able to sit alone in a darkened room playing Bloodlust with a joystick.

To me, the biggest difference is not the social or financial repercussions of these different approaches to entertainment -- it's the role of the player. One is active, the other is passive. When you play a video game, no matter how many times you get killed, it doesn't hurt nearly as much as taking a foul ball in the groin. That's because in a real game, you are a hands-on participant; but in a video game you are merely an involved spectator.

This is a dangerous precedent. From the games I learned as a kid, I knew that I wanted to take an active role in my own life. You should all want to be a participator, not just a spectator -- especially during your marriage, and even more so during conception.

We know what we know

Middle-aged men think they know everything. Their wives think the complete opposite. The truth lies somewhere in between. Here's a short list of things that middle-aged men always know:

• Where the benches are at the mall.
• What the government is doing wrong.
• How to make a really loud fashion statement.
• How to grow a good lawn.
• How to pass the time waiting for your wife to cool off.
• How to make a complete hairstyle out of dwindling resources.
• The location of the nearest men's room.

The balance of nature

When you look back through history, there have been many examples of what I call the beauty and the beast syndrome. Cyrano de Bergerac, Quasimodo, Henry VIII, etc. I'm talking about the stories where a really ugly guy is going after a very beautiful woman. Now, at first it seems like a cruel twist of nature that ugly guys would be the most virile, but I don't see it that way. If you take a man and give him an over-active libido, and also make him good-looking, well, we all have a pretty good idea of what he's going to waste his life doing. So, in order for guys with overactive thyroids to lead productive lives where they make a contribution to society, nature makes them ugly. Women need to find them somewhat repulsive just so the men will be free to find jobs and join service clubs. On the complete opposite end of the scale, you have men with almost no interest in women. In order for them to have a chance to proliferate, nature makes them handsome. So, my theory on men is that the better-looking they are, the less virile they are. I'm not sure how scientific that opinion is. It may be largely based on me looking at my passport picture.

Quote of the day

"You don't have to think fast if you move slow." -- Red Green