Preventing winter moisture damage

You know how there's always someone telling you what to do and how to do it, and that just makes you want to break a few rules? For example, printed on Sharpie permanent markers is the instruction: "Not for letter writing". Well, when I'm feeling wild, I pick up a Sharpie and I write a letter. What a rush.

But back to rules. I don't always trust the intelligence of rule-makers. I want to know WHY they made up a particular rule. One way to find out is to write polite letters (using a Sharpie) asking for explanations and case studies. A quicker way that requires no postage is to simply break the rule and see what happens. This frequently gets me into extreme learning experiences, also known as trouble.

For example, the reason they tell you not to insert the Reddiwhip nozzle directly into your mouth is because Reddiwhip is stored under tremendous pressure and when you depress the trigger, it fully packs your naso-gastric canals in less than 3 milliseconds. This makes it difficult to start a conversation, particularly if your opening line has to be "Help, I can't breathe", although in thorny social situations, this could be just the icebreaker everyone needs.

There are some rules that shouldn't be challenged, and they usually include the word 'moisture'. Rules about moisture are part of human life from an early age. For example:

• Kindergarten: Do not allow moisture to penetrate your clothing; Raise your hand, and the teacher will grant egress to the washroom.
• Grade 6: Do not allow moisture to penetrate clothing under your arms. If moisture has egressed into your clothing, do not raise your hand under any circumstances.
• High School: Do not do anything that creates moisture of any kind. Anywhere. Ever. Especially in a vehicle.
• Adulthood: Moisture in the form of fermented beverages is permissible except when stranded in a remote location with an attractive co-worker, in which case, revert to the moisture rules for High School.
• Retirement: Do not allow moisture to penetrate your joints. Move to Florida.
• Old age: Do not allow moisture to penetrate your clothing.

The one moisture rule that everyone breaks at one time or another is this: Do not allow moisture to penetrate your dwelling.

Want to know WHY that rule was made up? I can help.

It's a size thing. Even the smallest crack around your window or in your foundation is thousands of times bigger than a water molecule. And water molecules, through the miracle of "capillary action", never come alone. They bring chains of their friends, all bunched together like teenagers in a mall.

Water molecules are natural risk-takers and will explore any available cranny. Some say they have an exaggerated sense of immortality since the worst thing that can happen to them is that they get vaporized and beamed up to rejoin the Water Cycle. That would make anyone cocky.

At this time of year water molecules are rowdy and delinquent, hurling themselves against buildings in bursts of wind-driven rain. They dash themselves deep into cracks in search of spelunking opportunities. But then our tale turns ugly, because those molecules don't always get evaporated out before the cold weather sets in. Instead, they find themselves freezing and expanding into crystal gigantisms that are too bulky for the crack they're stuck in. Then, in the "we don't stop for nobody" tradition of water molecules, they just shoulder the crack open a bit and enjoy their glorious new physique.

After crack-trapped water goes through the freeze-and-thaw cycle a few times this fall, that crack may be deep enough to allow moisture to seep right into the framing of your walls, locking dampness in the walls and creating desirable digs for mildew spores, carpenter ants and termites.

So this is the time of year to scrutinize your foundation, windows, doors and trim. If existing caulking is in bad shape, either scrape it off and start fresh, or augment the existing stuff using a good acrylic-latex exterior caulk that's guaranteed for at least 25 years.

Caulking has come a long way in the last decade. Today's caulks no longer ossify, fail, pull away from joint surfaces, shrink and curl; they're incredibly durable and actually have lots of elasticity to expand and contract as the temperature changes. Dap Alex Plus or LePage Bulldog Grip Super Pro are two of my favourites. They are available in different colours; taupe, grey, white, cream, tan, dark brown etc., and they're also paintable.

TIPS: Before you start caulking, fill a small container with warm water mixed with a few drops of dishwashing liquid. After you apply a bead of caulking, moisten your fingertip in the soapy solution, then smooth the caulk in a long, even stroke. Very Zen. And the soapy water prevents the caulk from sticking to your finger. Make sure you press firmly so the caulk adheres to both sides of the joint you're filling. And always smooth the fresh bead within a few minutes of applying it or it will start to skin over and you'll make a big mess. I usually start out wearing latex gloves but once the fingers get all bonded together I ditch 'em and work with naked tips.

WARNING: If you don't explore the wonders of caulk this fall, your home could end up with overpowering musty odours, cracked foundations, leaking walls, mould everywhere and wood-chewing bugs as tenants. If you don't believe me, please see next week's dramatic instalment.