Getting ready for New Year's

I want to talk to all the middle-aged guys out celebrating New Year's this year.

This may seem premature, but don't be fooled. It's never too soon to start thinking about the traditional midnight New Year's kiss. You don't want to screw it up again this year.

You only have to remember one thing - kiss your wife first. Excuses don't work. Like "I thought I was kissing you," or "I tried to, but someone else's lips got in the way," or worse still, "Come on, honey, it's New Year's. I'm supposed to have fun."

Now, in order to kiss your wife at midnight, you have to be able to find her. That means you need to stay relatively sober throughout the evening.

If you're too inebriated to see, you can't recognize your wife. Braille is not an option. And after you do find her, and you're kissing her like she's your own personal Beauty Queen, don't be simultaneously making eye contact with Miss Congeniality. A split focus at that crucial moment can lead to other splits - a split lip, a splitting headache, or even a splitting wife.

Don't use New Year's as an excuse to reconnect with ex-girlfriends. Should old acquaintance be forgot? Absolutely. Especially if she's attractive, and she's at the party, and she's carrying around pictures of a 12-year-old boy who looks exactly like you.

The no-fault dent

You just got home and found a new dent in your car. A dent your wife put there. You're about to go right off the deep end. But be careful. A lot of guys have drowned underestimating just how deep the deep end is.

I know you've never put a dent in the car. Other people have. Like, when that idiot tore the door off when you left it open to go into the store to buy milk. Or when you got rear-ended because some goof didn't notice that you stopped on the highway to pick up what you thought was a dime. Or when the engine seized because none of your friends reminded you to check the oil.

You know your wife's not so careful with the car as you are. But you don't need to get bent out of shape about a little dent and cause a head-on collision.

Don't be the one trapped in your vehicle. Your mouth may be big, but it's not the jaws of life. Just smile and say, "That's OK, Honey." I know you still love your car. Just not enough to sleep in it.

Mum's the word

Although we like to talk, here are some times when middle-aged men should not say anything:

• Whenever you're wrong.
• Whenever you're right.
• Whenever you're in the presence of an expert or your wife.
• While the cop is writing the ticket.
• Whenever anyone is trying to place responsibility, blame or charges.

Packaging matters

Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer. It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.

I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal.

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"When you sell your house and move into an apartment, you have fewer stairs, but more stares." - Red Green