The hard sell

If any of you own your own business, manage a store, or engage in any commercial activity, I have a suggestion for you. You need to identify any of your customers who are middle-aged men and assign only your best salespeople to them. It is very hard to sell anything to a middle-aged man, unless it floats or rolls. The problem is that by this age they've made so many idiotic purchases that they've run out room for error -- especially if they're married. They've already bought the 8-track home entertainment system with the psychedelic color organ, the February time-share in Baffin Island and the amphibious car.

They've already experienced that things don't work as well as expected, particularly when you don't read the manual, and that no matter how softly you hit something with a hammer, the store probably won't give you a refund. If you're interested in selling something to a middle-aged guy, put not only your best, but also your oldest salesman on the case. When a middle-aged guy is confronted with a senior citizen who still has most of his fingers and can form a sentence, he immediately starts feeling better. And, if the old guy can tell him stories about the stupid things he's bought in his life, the middle-aged guy gets absolutely buoyant. He realizes that you can continue to make the kinds of mistakes he's been making and still manage to reach old age. Now he's optimistic and that's how all his troubles started in the first place. He's putty in your hands. That is, until he gets home, where he'll be in his wife's hands -- and in something much more serious than putty.

No inanimate objects

I've worked on enough cars and lawnmowers and sump pumps in my life to tell you for a fact that there is no such thing as an inanimate object. Every machine and structure is a conscious being with attitudes and feelings, and they're all directed toward you. You may think the lawnmower doesn't mind you taking its engine apart, but wait until you get to the last bolt. You'll skin your knuckles, you'll break your wrench, you'll round the head off. That's because the lawnmower doesn't like you. It's mad that you ignore it all winter and then expect it to be ready to go with one quick pull. That should be an important life lesson for you. Every time a machine breaks down, a barbecue blows up or a concrete block drops on your foot, that's not an accident, it's a wake-up call. However, when a concrete block falls on your head, it's just the opposite.

Say it with witnesses

When you tell your wife your plans, she often shoots you down in a flaming ball of testosterone. That's because nobody else was there. When other people are there, your wife will be much more supportive. Here's a short list of things that should only be said when you're with others:

• I'm looking at getting a new boat.
• I plan to quit my job next week.
• A bunch of the guys are coming over to watch wrestling.
• I'm in pretty good shape for a man my age.
• We don't really enjoy going out to expensive restaurants.
• I went to the casino and lost big time.

Go easy

My wife always beats me at golf. It's not because she's a better golfer than me. OK, she is a better golfer than me, but it's not because of that. It's because she doesn't swing hard, and she doesn't hit the ball very far. Her mistakes are always shorter than the width of the fairway. Whereas I put everything into it, so when I make a mistake, it's an over-the-fence, out-of-bounds, through-the-parking-lot, out-onto-the-highway kind of mistake. I guess for most of us golf is similar to climbing the corporate ladder or being on a date -- it's safer when you don't go too far.

Quote of the day

"Don't spend more than one quarter of your income on housing or one third of your day on a bar stool." -- Red Green