Asphalt driveway maintenance

There's a lot to maintaining driveways. A person can go wrong with a driveway just like a person can perpetrate bad decor. Only with decor, the disasters are hidden inside the actual house. Driveways are right out there for the neighbours to judge. And they will.

I'm thinking that we need a specialty cable network called The Driveway Channel. Who wouldn't sign up for 24/7 driveway maintenance tips? The Driveway Channel would be the antidote to that low-grade anxiety that pools at the base of your brain while you stew about your asphalt.

If there were a Driveway Channel people would stop anguishing over how to get oil spots off, how to fill potholes, how to seal, resurface, repair or replace driveways. People would even learn to pronounce asphalt correctly. (Note that the "h" follows the "p". It's not pronounced ASH-phalt. It's just not. It's AS-PHALT. If there were a Driveway Channel, this linguistic agony would be cleared up forever.)

In the meantime, I'm here with the kind of deft reportage that'll make the skin on your back prickle with fear, or maybe that's just a pollen rash. It's spring after all. My point is, your driveway has needs. Winter's freeze and thaw cycles have opened the pores on your face. And you were inside most of the winter. Think how your driveway feels.

Here's a way to soothe your chapped asphalt.

1. Tune in to the Weather Network to make sure you'll have at least 24 hours of dry weather after you perform the crack therapy. (Note the perky delivery of the on-air talent. Wouldn't they be great on The Driveway Channel?)
2. Pick out bits of loose asphalt with something sharper and pointier than my wit.
3. Clean the crack using a stiff brush.
4. If the crack is stained with motor oil, get your car fixed. Then wash out the crack with warm water and detergent (Wisk laundry detergent works well) so the patching compound will adhere with gusto.
5. Clean the length of the crack with a hose nozzle set on "perforate the earth's crust". Depending on the state of your driveway, this will expertly remove dust, or loosen extra chunks of asphalt, or excavate the foundation of your driveway. Use discretion.
6. Let the driveway surface dry thoroughly. While it's drying, hope for rain so you won't have to do any more work today.
7. If the cracks are small (1/4-inch or less) fill them with one of the new odourless water-based crack repair compounds. Let the black goop flow into the crack, slightly over-filling it to allow for shrinkage. If the crack is deeper than 1/4", apply a layer of the gooey compound as a base. Fill the crack with fine sand until it's about 1/8" from the top. Then apply another layer of compound over the sand.
8. If the cracks are 1/4" to 1/2" wide, use the thicker patching compound that comes in a caulking tube or can. Apply by pushing it into the crack with a putty knife and smoothing it over). TIP: Anything you're wearing will be soiled beyond salvage, but it's a better risk than practising naked driveway repair.
9. If your cracks are wider than tectonic gorges and/or have become potholes, use asphalt cold-patch (bitumen), which comes in 25-lb. bags. Load bitumen into the crack, sprinkle a little sand on top, and tamp the patch level using a heavy piece of scrap lumber. Pick a warm day because otherwise the bitumen will be stiffer than an Anglican at a rave.
10. No matter which patching compound you use, spread a little sand over the repair so it dries matte.
11. Keep the driveway free of traffic for 24 hours so the repairs can set up properly.
12. Seal the driveway with blacktop sealer. TIP: Lock the cat indoors.

There are more than 20 million driveways in this country. Canada needs a Driveway Channel. Please write your most irritating politician.