Built for comfort

A lot of men are a little vague on exactly when middle age begins. It has nothing to do with your chronological age, and it doesn't matter if your hair has gone gray, white or AWOL. You have officially arrived at midlife when the most important aspect of any given activity is comfort.

In midlife, excitement, adventure and even finances all take a back seat. What you're looking for is comfort. You're not interested in physical fitness, you want heating and air conditioning. You want padding -- on your furniture, on your paycheck and on your own butt. Even your love life is affected. Forget passion, what you want now is a "comfortable" relationship, where nobody yells at anybody, nothing changes and nine times out of 10 you fall asleep before your wife does.

Your wild oats have turned to Wild Oat-Bran. As middle age progresses, you'll probably even become "comfortable" with yourself. Some call it giving up. I call it true success. When you can stand in front of a mirror or a banker and say proudly 'This is as good as I get,' hey, that has to be a comforting thought.

For whom the cell tolls

I want to talk about cellular phones for a minute. In the old days, when you saw somebody walking down the street jabbering away into thin air, you never thought of the word "phone," just the word "cell." Now, we have all these nuts driving around talking on the phone with just one hand on the steering wheel.

Sure, in a fit of road rage you've often taken a hand off the wheel to communicate with other drivers, but that was a whole different kind of digital signal. And, these cell phones don't just ring. No, they play little tunes and jingles and go off at the worst times -- like in church.

I mean, it's not even your phone, but everybody still turns around to see where it's coming from, and there you are, sound asleep. To me a cell phone is just a leash. And, you'd better come when you're called, or you'll lose your spot as top dog.

Whenever I see somebody on a cell phone, they're always alone, talking to somebody as they walk around the room trying to get a clearer signal. I'll tell you how to get a clear signal. Go to the person's house and talk to them. Cell phones are OK in an emergency, but if you use them to communicate with friends and loved ones, you will eventually get disconnected. That'll ruin your weekend, no matter how many free minutes you get.

No step

After you've been married for a while, you realize that your wife lays down what I call "verbal landmines." Here are a few that you should never step into:

• If we broke up, what kind of women would interest you?
• Would you find me more attractive if I lost weight?
• What's been the happiest moment of your life?
• Should we invite friends over on our anniversary?
• If you had any regrets, would you say so?

Don't move, I've got you covered

I was looking at kinetic art in a specialty shop the other day. They had a couple of perpetual motion machines and recycling fountains and little dogs with bobbing heads, and it occurred to me how boring they get in a short period of time. I find a good painting or photograph far less tiring.

So, I realized that static items, although initially far less interesting, will eventually stand the test of time. Therefore to make it over the long haul of a marriage, a man has a much better chance if he becomes more like a piece of furniture and less like a favorite pet. I'm standing by.

Quote of the day

"A friendly smile from a stranger is a sure way to frighten smart people." -- Red Green