To sleep, perchance to survive

I've been falling asleep on the couch a lot lately. My wife is not impressed and, to be honest, it's a habit that I used to criticize my own father for. However, like so many faults I've seen in others, now that I'm doing it myself it doesn't bother me nearly as much. In fact, I would say falling asleep at seemingly inopportune times, or just being tired for no reason, are signs of great maturity. A few short years ago, instead of falling asleep, I'd be up and active well into the evening, fixing the stove or replacing a roof shingle or plumbing a sink. So when you add up the cost in terms of money spent to have a professional repair my repair, and, of course, time lost due to injury, you realize that me sleeping on the couch is the safest, smartest investment of my time and financial resources. And as soon as my wife remembers some of my other waking nocturnal interests, she will agree whole-heartedly.

My anti-hero

When I was growing up, movies and television provided us with a lot of heroes. Men who always did the right thing at the right time. Men who were honest and true and fought for justice and "the American way." These were ideals, and it's good to have someone like that to look up to, someone who gives you a goal to strive for. However, when we fall short of the mark and pale by comparison with these icons, that can make us look bad, especially in the eyes of our wives. That's when you need to go the other way. You need to introduce the anti-hero into your spouse's life. Let her see someone on television who's way worse than you are. Someone who will make your indiscretion seem harmlessly trivial. If you're in minor trouble, a couple of episodes of "Judge Judy" might do it. If you're in the deep stuff, you may have to watch "Cops" or even "America's Most Wanted." All you need to do is to expose your wife to three men who are worse than you, and you're off the hook. If that can't be done, maybe it's time to turn yourself in.

Midlife job perks

In every job there are little extras that make the position more desirable. For some it's a signing bonus, for others it's a title. Here are some job perks that would appeal to the average middle-aged guy:

• Coffee on an I.V. drip.
• Office near the men's room.
• Voice-activated computer so you don't have to reach around your stomach to access the keyboard.
• Large font inter-office memos.
• Phone set up for outgoing calls only.
• No office parties. Ever.
• The boss is older than you.

Dangerous signs

I was in a department store the other day, and I had a very unsettling feeling. Although the store carried thousands of different items in a variety of styles and colors, I had this sense that there was nothing here that I really needed. Not one thing in the store that was going to make enough of a difference in my life to make it worth the purchase. I was turning into a marketer's worst nightmare -- the reluctant consumer. I always read about how advertisers want the younger market. They're not interested in advertising to guys like me. I'm beginning to understand why. We've run out of money, interest and storage space. And we've lost the naive optimism that got us to buy things like hot tubs and expensive sunglasses. We see ourselves as we really are, and it makes us very difficult to manipulate. The only sales tool they have left is sex and the clock is ticking, believe me.

Quote of the day

"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity." -- Red Green