Night and day

I'd like to offer an observation about mixed marriages -- a morning person should never marry a night person. Believe me, conflicting shifts is the hardest part of any union.

The difference between day people and night people is like ... well, like night and day. At the crack of dawn, the morning person is bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, while the night person is bleary-eyed and bushy-tongued. But, in the wee hours, Missus Merry Morning has lapsed into deep hibernation on the couch and is snoring so loudly, Mr. Night Owl can barely hear his infomercials.

Burning the collective candle at both ends can put a strain on any marriage, and sadly, no amount of coffee can change a day person into a night person or vice versa. The only way to save one of these unnatural unions is to concentrate on the afternoon, the only quality time where nobody's tired or cranky. So, I say get together for a romantic candlelight lunch, slap on that song "Afternoon Delight" and let your biorhythms do the rest.

DVD or not DVD

I picked up one of those DVD players on sale a few weeks ago and the picture quality is amazing -- there are nose hairs out there I'd never seen before. Now, they make a big deal out of the "interactive menus," but I was working under the impression that all menus were interactive, like when you go into a restaurant and point to where it says "steak," it shows up a little later and then you eat it. Now that's interactive.

OK, the steak may come with things I don't want, like vegetables, but so does the DVD. Like, say, the outtakes. These are scenes of guys who make upwards of the gross national product of Malaysia messing up their lines. When I'm getting paid to do a job, I don't videotape myself making mistakes and then charge people to watch.

Then there's the one I really can't figure out: the deleted scenes. We all know these things were cut out for a reason. I don't really need to see the Godfather slow-dancing with a lawn jockey, even if it does help explain the whole horse head thing. I'll tell you the kind of extras I'd like to see -- good acting, better stories and more movies where the plot revolves around a riding mower.

Target practice

When it comes to advertising, middle-aged men are becoming a larger and larger target, both individually and as a group. When you see any of the following features, you can be sure the products are aimed at guys like us:

• Relaxed fit
• Wrinkle-free
• Ultra-light
• Foolproof
• Non-flammable
• Guaranteed for life

Forever young

Just last week, I was in the drugstore picking up some deodorant -- you know the kind, strong enough for a man and made for one, too. All of a sudden, this mannequin in a lab coat comes to life from behind the makeup counter and says to me, "Excuse me sir, but would you like to try a sample of Adonis, a new skin treatment specifically formulated to meet a man's unique moisture needs?" I'm like, "Miss, you have no idea what my unique moisture needs are."

Long story short, I end up dropping 35 bucks on a shot glass-size bottle of margarine-colored goo and feeling like a world-class chump. On my way out, I look back and see another guy with a desperate look in his eye getting the same pitch and reaching for his wallet. Why are we falling for this stuff? Just so that when we're 90 people will say, "Gee, you don't look a day over 85!" Maybe, but I'll tell you what, the goo really works. Now, my storm door hinges squeak with a youthful confidence they never had before.

Quote of the day

"Some men are born with humility. Some achieve humility. Others have it thrust upon them." -- Red Green