Replacing a washer

Remember the last time you wrote down your Life Goals? Remember how you forgot to add, "Learn to change a washer" to that list?

I can help.

First, consider the following:

• The polar ice caps contain 70% of the world's supply of fresh water.
• Russia's Lake Baikal contains 20% of the world's supply of fresh water.
• That leaves only 10% for the six billion of us who don't live in Antarctica or own a cottage on Lake Baikal.

Also consider:

• A faucet leaking a tiny stream of water (1/16" diameter) wastes 74,000 gallons of drinking water in three months (the average procrastination period of homeowners and landlords).
• A faucet leaking a wider stream of water (1/4" diameter) wastes 1,181,500 gallons in three months.

So if you learn to fix a leaky faucet, you actually help preserve the global population's available drinking water supply. Therefore, it follows that you can revise your Life Goals and immediately check off, "Initiate environmental solutions for the whole planet."

Congratulations on this milestone. But there are even more benefits to knowing how to change a washer:

1. More sleep, thanks to quiet, non-drippy faucets
2. More cash, thanks to lower water bills
3. More dinners, cooked for you by people whose leaky faucets you fixed
4. More confidence in bars

Changing a washer takes about five minutes if everything goes well. It won't go well, but keep repeating "Oh yeah, baby, bring it on." as things get worse. This aggressive tactic will earn the respect of the plumbing gods.

WARNING: The rest of this column may slay you with boredom unless you're concurrently performing the repair, in which case you'll be captivated.

Steps

1. Start by shutting off the water supply to the leaky faucet.
2. If there isn't an individual valve supplying the tap in question (look under the sink), find the main water supply tap and shut off the water to the entire dwelling. If you're not sure which way to turn the tap handle, remember the plumbing anthem, "Righty tighty, lefty loosey." (i.e. Turning the tap all the way to the right closes the valve tight, so no water flows. Turning the tap all the way to the left loosens the valve and opens the flow of water.) Or simply wait until someone is having a shower; then you get instant audible feedback confirming that the water is now off.
3. After turning off the water, turn the leaky tap(s) to the 'on' position to drain the lines. Plug the sink to preclude coarse language caused by dropping parts down the drain.
4. Study your tap handle. Most handles have a decorative cap that hides the working parts. You have to figure out how to remove this cover, button or tab. Some of them are totally baffling, but they all come off. Usually a flathead screwdriver or knife blade easily lifts the decorative cap.
5. After prying off the cap, you should see a screw, usually a "Phillips" (the kind with an 'x' stamped in the head). Remove it with a screwdriver that fits really snugly. Push down hard enough as you screw that you actually grunt. This ensures that the screwdriver won't slip and strip the screw head.
6. Once you've removed the screw, pull the tap handle up and off. Marvel at how well this is going.
7. The first thing you'll see after removing the handle is the top of the 'stem', and the hexagonal outline of the brass packing nut. To unscrew the nut, use a tight-fitting wrench that won't strip the soft brass. If you must use tongue-in-groove pliers, cover the 'teeth' with duct tape so they don't tear up the brass. TIP: Avoid adjustable 'crescent' wrenches. They don't stay tight on the packing nut and you'll end up rounding off the nut's edges and then you'll be totally, horribly scuppered and that's being conservative.
8. Once you've loosened the brass packing nut with your wrench, pull the whole 'stem' assembly up and out.
9. At the bottom of the stem is a small brass screw that holds a washer (usually black rubber) in position. Eureka. If it's compressed, squished or has grooves in it, replacing it will probably cure your faucet's leak.
10. Now if your handle has been leaking, you have a different problem. Unscrew the packing nut from the stem. (The stem is slippery, so pop the handle back onto the stem and you'll get a better grip.) Once you have the packing nut off, you'll see a rubber O-ring riding in a groove on the stem. If it's torn or squished, you need to replace it.
11. Now, there are about 3,498 tap configurations in the world. Washers and O-rings range wildly in size, shape and thickness. So take the ENTIRE STEM with you to the hardware store and exactly match the parts you need to replace, or buy a whole new identical stem if that's the mood you're in.
12. When you get home, remove the old, gnarly washer by undoing the screw at the bottom of the stem. Set the plump, frisky new washer in position. Re-tighten the screw.
13. (optional) Remove the old O-ring and install a new one. If you have some plumber's silicone grease, coat the O-ring with it before putting it back in place. Screw the packing nut back onto the stem and drop it into position. Hand-tighten the packing nut, then tighten it a further half turn using your wrench.
14. Replace the handle, re-install the screw and decorative tab. That's it. Turn the tap to the off position.
15. Go back to the water supply and open the valve by turning it "lefty loosey". Check to make sure the leak is gone.

Put your tools away and enjoy a tall, cool glass of the drinking water you just rescued, you radiant conservationist, you.